Today has been a rather strange day - not because anything unusual has happened, but rather because I have been plummeting in to fits of uneasiness, as if something had been left undone, and then suddenly entering an hour of complete calm. I think it has something to do with my complete withdrawal from the outside world.
I spend my days about the house, occasionally waging out with the few friends I keep more regular contact with. I travel between my house and the gym. I find inner peace while looking out upon the garden my mother planted, and I enjoy planning the tasks required for its upkeep. Weeding has an inane joy - the finished product brings complete satisfaction. My room has become a sanctuary where I watch movies and read the beginnings of books, and when one suits my fancy, I sit here all day and read it, followed by any or all sequels. I play the guitar here. I play around with new finger techniques that I have never tried before, and occasionally play along to a song that starts playing on my computer.
I've started to make really good coffee at home. I enjoy planning out entire 'comfort meals' and I'm thinking about re-opening the chapter of my life when I was majorly in to photography. One of my goals is to finish the black and white roll of film in my camera. It's been there since October.

If this is fear, I've never felt it before.

I've finally come to the point I always thought I was waiting for, and it's not as rosy as I thought it would be. I have to face my responsibilities and begin to realise that my actions have consequences. I have to take care of myself. I have to pay my rent. I have to leave my home far behind me. I think this is why I'm grabbing hold of it so fiercely now, because I have nothing else in this world where I am so at peace. My heart has always been split in three, and each third has it's own dedications. I've never been forced to choose between these pieces, so making a decision on my own has been extremely difficult. I have lived in Estonia for what seems like forever, always regretting the decision that brought me here, however now I am moving to London. It may not be written in stone, but my heart has made the decision and though I waver, I know I must go. I feel rather forgotten, actually. When I move, my brother wants to turn my sanctuary in to a rec room for his friends. I will be relegated to a forgotten bedroom along with all my memories and my posessions. My mother has moved on to somewhere where I have no place either. I know I am wanted everywhere... but where is home? I've always fought this question, having previously been spoilt for choice as to how I wish to answer. Unfortunately, my situation has changed now. My grandparents house in the UK has been sold, the one constant in my life. My America too, has changed. And my home here in Estonia will never again be the home I leave in September, because with me I take what makes my home a home. I'm only 18 and already I am a wanderer in this small yet alarmingly misleading world. I've let out my dreams for my future and already I am being expected to achieve them. What if I disappoint them? What if I disappoint myself? I supose a few deep breaths will erase this fear for now, but until then I can only cling to that which I know. I am a soul who clings to comfort, home and love yet I have chosen a path that leads me away from it. I was born to be a wanderer, but never did I think I would have to forge a home to return to so early in life. I must work my way through university in order to pay for it and there is no one I can nor want to depend on other than myself. I'm sory if this sounds like a whinge, it's not meant as one.

I've never been frightened this way before. It would be almost exhilarating, except for the fact that new ground leaves lots of room for doubts. This feeling is like knowing you have friends yet not knowing who they are. Unsure yet... solid as a rock.
My intuition says I am on the right path to my enlightenment, but my intuition and inner child are waging a ferocious battle with each other. The outcome is clear but still they will not cease.
Meanwhile, I sort out my belongings and try to make the right short-term decisions, the adult decisions, while I look back in retrospect and know that my life all along has been secure and sheltered. It's been safe. I've always had a rock upon which to stand.
If anyone knows of a good rock somewhere in the London area, leave a comment, I might be in need of one. I hear the views from rocks can be spectacular.