Well. The shit has hitteth the fan.

My mother has a boyfriend. Supposedly it's a long-distance thing. She really enjoys his company, and she told me they're not sleeping together. I don't think I wanted to know either way. All I know is that when she told me I got a feeling I never expected. I couldn't breathe... it was like someone had punched me in the stomach. Wasn't this what I wanted all along? Didn't I want someone else to deal with her emotions and to take her attention away from me? Didn't I??? I think the deepest emotion was jealousy. Jealousy, that he's the one who has been taking my mothers attention away from my brother and I - no wonder she hasn't been emailing regularly. And jealousy, that she has something I want and haven't found. How dare she get asked out by literally dozens of men, and then in the short space of half a year find someone special? How? HOW??
I'm happy for her. I really am. But at the same time, I'm sad for me. My parents are moving on with their lives, and I'm stuck in the same rut. I'm fighting and fighting, but I just can't seem to get out.
I like 3 guys. I've stopped being so picky. I fancied a guy in a pink cowboy hat the other day.... I'm open to possibilties. Why is nobody even remotely interested? Am I too forward? Too shy? Too open? Too closed? Too fat? Not fat enough? Too independent? Don't I smile enough? Am I just so unlikeable? So unapproachable? There's nothing left to hide behind. It's just me and my shadow, standing at the bottom of the valley. Everyone can see me. But still no one comes.