'What if I had never let you go?'. Kate winslets' song. it's been going through my head all day, can't get rid of the damn thing. 'Many roads to take Some to joy Some to heartache Anyone can lose their way' I feel like i need to find a way fast, bc if I don't I'll just be turning back. back to naivete, back to ignorance and back to the childish being that went through life unaware and unknowing, trusting in everyone. I still trust everyone. Trust until proven unworthy. I've begun to doubt myself and what I believe in. Is it right, is it wrong? Is there right and wrong? maybe everything just is. Rivers flow- clouds float - nature.... nature cures. They say that if you know how to look, the whole world is really a garden. Isn't that a beautiful, soft idea.
Basically what I'm trying to get clear in my head is what I'm doing here. Trying to reassure myself that I can do whatever I set my mind to, that I can be whomever I want to be, yet I see all life's failures in front of me every day- my mother for one. She isn't really a failure, she has 2 kids and, as I've understoodm $20 000 to start a new life on another continent. I wish her luck. I also realise that she is as lost as me, as much at a beginning and a dead end as I. I often wonder why I insist on judging my life by my mother, but maybe it's natural. At present, I have no one to judge myself by. Baah humbug.
The root of the problem is that I'd love someone else to share my problems with, fully knowing that they will share their problems me. And their joys. I really miss that special someone. There's no one on the horizon. No one for me. No mans an island. The person who said that was right... we're all on islands in this world, waiting for someone to land on ours. Someone we wouldn't mind sharing it with. I wouldn't mind sharing my island.

hey. clarity never came in a day.