I am always surprised how different things look during the day, in sunlight. I can see my black cat, for one... he's no longer one with the shadows that scare me - he's my cat, my pillow, my ultra distant best friend. And my problems... they don't seem desperate any more. They don't pain me as they did at 2 am, they don't wrench my feeling and make me say stupid things.
Speaking of stupid things I've said, I've said most of them to the people whose attention I most seek. The ones whose person I most admire. The ones I like best. I mean, take lielie. she andI are forever insulting each other simply bc we both have a twisted sense of humour. we take low blows, claiming the others 'low intellect', when in reality, we both are intelligent. and pretty. and worth time and attention. But these blows hurt a little every time, though we don't really mean them to. All at the same time, we are the only people we talk to about ourselves. Just the two of us..... I wonder if maybe my island might be full, except for the fact that I am still lonely. And so is she. I think we have 2 islands, we've just brought them close together, enabling contact, but no real sharing.
I've found another person or two with whom I share a great deal. Ideas, thoughts, simliar problems. But the ironic thing is that when I have found them, they don't live near me. The rest of the world seems to be teeming with people desperate to share my island. WHAT THE F***? Why? It's ruined my whole 'i don't give a shit' attitude. Where as before I was trying to accept the fact that I wouldn't be desired until someone learned to appreciate who I really was... now I have to accept that I may actually be desireable. Which is a very unreal concept for me. Awesome, but unreal. I often wonder whether it's a fluke... whether it's for the fun of it, or if it's a spur of the moment feeling. Or maybe it's the way I hold my head. I don't know... and it puzzles me. Because from what I have been told my entire life, I am a beautiful person, inside and out. The inside part has been followed up, but the outside.. everybody has raised doubts about myself in my own mind. Maybe this has all stemmed from the fact that only recently have I become comfortable in the shell. Accepted it, and moved on, not letting it hamper my efforts of moving along on my road. Maybe. Probably not. All I know is that my physical self-esteem is shot to pieces. And I desperately thank everyone for bringing that to a higher level. I feel good. I feel pretty. I feel pretty darn excellent about myself. Now all I have to do is lose 20 pounds... and get a nose job.