I'm going to re-read this blog post by post to see how far I've come. Then it's decision time.

Shame on me - I used to update this so regularly.

Maybe I just have no new insights on the world to whine about? Surely not. I'm always miserable ;)

No... school is ending and there's lots to do. Also work and research on European brain drain for other projects - life continues as usual.
I'll come here and talk to myself when it's over. Or at least when I have a couple of pages of my dissertation...

xx

Question:

Heaven, right? If it exists and you happen to go up instead of down -
how do you put up with the people who always knew they would get up there?
Aren't they going to be a bit..... annoying? For eternity?

I find the world an awful place to live. Earth holds so many beautiful places that you can't even begin to imagine how things could go so wrong - or could you?

Let's start with a couple of the bits of pure and utter shite on the part of politicians and citizens of Earth.

Global warming. We're all at fault, ok? I admit it - my favourite hairspray doesn't come in a pump bottle so every time I spray I let CFC's fly off towards the ozone layer (was that what they're called? My 7th grade science is a little iffy these days). But the US refuses to sign the Kyoto agreement and is getting away with murder, much like other major industrial players today. And I, as a typical greedy city girl, let myself believe that until everyone else buys pump-action spray bottles of hairspray - how will it help if I'm forced to go for the crap eco-brand? I DO however believe in recycling paper - my office even recycles used stamps that go towards saving the albatrosses. A total of three have been found dead since we started, no births. We're making a difference, all of us.

Humans are like dodo's - we shoot for food and when food dies out we go shoot something else. Well, we're still shooting even now that our food comes pre-cooked, pre-packaged, pre-washed and usually straight to our front door after online shopping came in to use. We shoot other people in the name of 'rights'? Freedom? Last time I checked Israel was pretty free. One of my favourite people on earth is a friend of mine who is Jewish. Doesn't live in Israel but has loads of family that does. And so I hear from him that his uncles are in the Israeli army - and even these big guns (seriously, they're pretty high up) can't see the point in invading Lebabon. So now they've called a ceasefire - except what do the Israelis go and do? They VIOLATE the ceasefire. Can't really blame Hezbollah for not wanting to disarm, can you?

So let's go on to the other major fuck-up of the 21st century. Let's just say two politicians have never fucked up so royally as George W. Bush and Tony Blair did. Just as a test, type in 'Failure' in to a Google search. I love it.
So the weapons of mass destruction never existed and basically the whole reasoning behind the bloodshed and terror and destruction of Iraq, the failure to find the weapons, the failure of the new Iraqi government was - ?. It's probably buried in a time capsule somewhere as GWB couldn't say it out loud, but then forgot to mark it's position for future generations. Don't get me wrong - I wish people hadn't died in vain. I'm a valiant supporter of a human being's right to stay alive once born. But come on - the money we spent on guns alone could have fed some people, been used to research cures for diseases. Perhaps eliminate poverty in the UsofA?

Yeah, another bone in the pot. The country where streets were once believed to be paved in gold has higher levels of poverty than one dares to imagine. This is the country we've gotten hillbillies, rednecks and trailer trash from. And not one iota of this people's being is really their fault if we consider that so many of them were never given a fair chance to become educated middle class suburbanites. Ever wonder why the American dream hasn't changed? Because if 300 million people all wanted to be millionaires and live in Hollywood no one else in the world would have any money at all. So, unrealistic as that is, it's almost hard to believe how difficult it is for an American today to own two cars and a nice 2-3 bedroom house without a mortgage that will keep them saddled for life. With all the strife to work as much, as hard, smile as much as humanly possible - divorce rates are going up because we can never be perfect enough to achieve that dream. We're not happy with each other any more. Hell - I'm not happy with us any more.

I don't mean this to be a rant against America - not at all. The UK is about to release a report that people have gotten so much fatter in the last 40 years that people the world over are now more likely to be clinically obese than clinically underweight. Oh, except for the anorexics in my office (another fallout of the Barbie ideal). I'm overweight - I'm a pretty average model for the problem the Western world is facing. My only saving grace is that I'm in the process of getting a university degree and can think for myself (this might be because I don't own a TV) - but WHY IS THIS EVEN REMOTELY IMPORTANT?
Well, the UK is realising that it isn't sustainable to aim to have 50% of the population go to university. Hmm.. you think? I think everyone has a right to an education but degree's are so overrated. Seriously. We spend all this money for people to get a degree and then you reach the real world and find out that of the 6 or so grades or results you can get, a Grade point average in the US, whatever you want to call it - unless you get one of the top two grades, the degree doesn't ACTUALLY mean all that much to a future career. Nice one, Tony.

And now we have the lovely terrorist threat. I've travelled my whole life and you know what - never had a terrorist aboard a plane. Yes, I was pretty damn scared during the London bombings - and immensely saddened by the loss of life. But is the cost of staying alive WORTH the cost to our freedom? I have muslim friends, dark skinned, bearded. Let's say I choose to go on holiday with them to, oh, anywhere but the US (god forbid I tried to go with them to the US. I'd be classed a terrorist too despite the fact that I'm a US citizen, white, female, university student, technically Christian, parents of middle class sensibilities. God forbid I have friends at all really... they're all a risky lot these days). So anyway, I'm travelling with my friend Ahmed* (*name changed for no purpose at all but that this is a fictional moment in my imagination) and we're standing in line for the security check at Heathrow. Now, am I going to want to travel knowing that the likelihood of my dear friend being questioned and searched is 100 times greater? That knowing that my ass is safe because he's 'taking one for the team'? All this leads to is that he really doesn't want to leave his house any more in case someone thinks he might just look suspicious. Guess what - I don't think I'm that big on travelling any more.
I mean, a flight from Malaga saw mutiny as UK tourists refused to take off with two Asian men on board. Supposedly the men looked odd, were wearing clothes meant for colder weather than Malaga was seeing and were speaking Arabic. God forbid anyone speaks anything other than English or is a little weird these days! Weirdness isn't tolerated. Europe prizes itself on the wealth of it's united cultures and languages. If they actually did protect these nations and their cultures, it would be a model for the world. One day they're going to have to face up to the fact that the working language of the business world will no longer be English, let alone German or French. It will be Chinese dialects. Arabic. Japanese. I'm already booking myself on to a couple language courses as I type.

I'm not jaded. I love my friends, I love London, where I live. Hell, I've had my wallet stolen twice now living here - I survived. I bought a new one and replaced the cards - I still have my dignity, after all. But as a cosmopolitan citizen of the world, my parents live in two countries other than the one I live in. I have to take planes or trains or boats to see any of my family and, according to recent events, all are potentially unsafe. The ozone layer is going to disappear completely and the icecaps will melt. We're going to lose a couple countries, people. Not only that - but stupidity won't die. Some people are born like that and some people, let's not name names, will elect them president. It's fine - it's life. But why are we running scared and not FACING THE TRUTH? Gays exist, always have. I love them to bits; who couldn't love a man who gives the best hair advice ever just because his partner is a man? The environment won't get better if we invent a massive bandage. Maybe if we stopped building unsustainable country infrastructures..... naah. Let's start with pump action hairspray. It's easier than using public tranport and actually coming in to contact with the world around us.
Arresting Saddam Hussein didn't end world strife, World War 3 is somewhere on the horizon if we're not careful. Everyone is being taught to be scared of people who are different from them - Hell, even I'm becoming a little wary. Thought I was going to be mugged today at 9.30 in the morning by two homeless men. But a black motorcyclist slowed down and waited until they disappeared and I'd crossed the street before going on, just to make sure I was alright. He might have been muslim and named Ahmed. Should I have been more scared by him than the potential muggers?

So - in a world where even governments are massively in debt, why blame people for taking out mortgages to finance a dream? For using drugs to phase it out? For using guns to get where we're going faster?
If we keep polluting and killing and teaching fear we're not really what I'd call civilised. In fact, cavemen seemed to live a safer existence than we do. One thing is for sure though - aliens and muslims aren't the enemy.
We ourselves are.

It's a funny thing this blogging. I posted my last entry and, out of interest, clicked next blog at the top corner. I used to have quite a few blogs I read regularly but due to technical problems - only my computer dying on me and me being incapable of retrieving information from in myself - I lost the links and stopped. My only escape on the internet became BBC News Online. And now I've found one I've been reading for a whole two days and it makes me want to post.

So... here goes? Let's see. I'm giving in to my girlie urges again (I'm STILL embarrassed to admit these things) and actually bought a girlie book. I couldn't bring myself to buy it at a regular book store so I went to an anonymous WH Smith at Waterloo station and grabbed it out of the 2 for 1 shelves. Along with another one, slightly less chick lit, more... ok. It's chick lit too.
I have a stack of books two feet high leaning against my 'book wall' waiting to be read - on topics such as Goethe, great writers, classics, art philosophy and I even have an intelligentsia book on the go - Blink by Malcolm Gladwell. Ok, maybe not intelligentsia but it doesn't push me to the point of wanting to hide it behind a newsweek on the bus. So anyway, I have this stack and what do I do? I buy 'The Undomestic Goddess' by Sophie Kinsella and when I finish it three hours after starting, I realise I've read all of her books that they proudly portray on the back cover - what is it with this summer eating away at my IQ?

I'm also staring at a still-packed suitcase that I can't bring myself to unpack. I keep hoping that I'll actually find a weekend to get away and that if I just place all clean clothes back in the suitcase, it will save on packing. Not highly likely but unpacking would require sorting out the mess in my wardrobe. All the stuff I threw in before I left would have to come out and, still being infected with London plague, I'm not up to that feat. Yes, I still have a cough and a weird throat and light-headedness. And I also have people staying in the extra room who I don't know very well so I can't walk around in a towel and do all the weird beauty treatments I'm dying to do. Like a pedicure in the kitchen while smoking half a pack of cigarettes (illness or no, I am weak and must smoke). Or like the face mask that I haven't used in 2 months despite spending copious amounts of money on it while promising myself that I would take better care of my skin.
I'm actually realising that I'm sitting on my bed amongst all the signs of a person who will never downsize. I own so much stuff. Not stuff as in 3 blenders, a fourth coffee machine because it offered an extra button stuff. No, these things I class as memories. I love all of them. Every one of the bags I never use I love. They're beautiful. My paintings - ok, so 4 paintings are a bit much for my small bedroom. I LOVE them. And my lamp that doesn't work... I love the shade and until I find another base that compliments it, I will leave it there. Ok, I feel a bit sheepish about that but it's true.
I have enough things to fill an apartment and leave it quite homey all stuffed in this small bedroom but I LOVE it. Mess and all. I'm a naturally messy person and without seriously long sessions with a hypnotist I will never overcome this, hard as I try or have tried.

Did I mention I'm sorting out people's lives? I've found a flat for someone and solved all amount of problems for others. I think I might have a future career as a Personal Assistant. Or, ironically, begin to organise other people's lives. See - I've always been quite good at that, it's my own life I have difficulty with. I'll give them affirmations, sort out their closets, their drawers, give them the tools to start fresh. And I'm wallowing in my brand new set of sheets - only my 5th new set. I mean, they were on sale AND they're absolutely gorgeous. And I love new sheets - saves on washing the old ones ;) This all reminds me that I should be sorting out the downstairs portion under the stairs -

And guess what. I'm going to go do it. Now.

I am realising that you can never take people at face value.

For instance: Someone tells you they're single. They're not. A man says he likes beetroot. Try to serve him borscht - turns out he doesn't. I say I find cricket interesting. I don't. I go for the players.

Everyone lies - and who am I to judge what is a bad lie or a good one? Not taking at face value isn't something to hesitate over but rather to embrace because we all have boundaries that we perhaps aren't ready to let go of yet. And other times when you find out it's a good happenstance. Like it lets you move on in your mind or it lets you experiment with other soups. Hell knows - maybe it's just another learning curve.

For further events in life, I must think back, back, back - for it seems I last wrote in March? I remember the days when I would be here pouring my heart out every day, or every few days. It's strange to see my development through that time - when I was overly emotional to when I was perhaps less than required. Now I'm out for a bit of fun and can do it alone if necessary, like today I am going to see The Break Up on my lonesome. I need a bit of girliness and chocolate and diet coke in my life.

As for the rest of it - I've had a summer that was somewhat quicker than I thought it would be. The amount of long-term guests is mindboggling; people I never knew before rightupinmyface. And I'm coping! I mean, who knew I could do that? I even hate it when my mother comes up close to me to wake me up. My own mother? But yeah, I've been ok. Ok, sure, people interpret a closed door differently, but generally they themselves have been pretty good about it.

I went to Paris some time in early April - my first proper holiday in two years. I don't think I had ever felt that free to be me with people who actually loved me for me. Then I went to Estonia for a weekend to see my mum, I survived the family issues. At least the weather was nice! And then I was here for a very long time until I went to Riga three weeks ago. Was there for two weeks and while I didn't love every minute of it (it was work!) I did have a blast in the end. It's EYP stuff and now it's work but it's also so many friends that I see so rarely, it certainly makes the shit worthwhile... most of the time. I mean, what would I do without Klara, Jill, Bentley, George? And those are only the first to come to mind. Kisses to them. And of course, there's work. Full time this summer, part time the rest of the year. Both Tamara and Emma have left or are leaving and I'm left with new Australian barbie girl and the King of Private school. Admittedly, newbie hasn't turned out to be too bad so fingers crossed for Hawaiian Tropic! Also, Catherine lovely is having a baby - I'm going to be an office Auntie!

Bejesus, this is far longer than I intended. Perhaps I'm just wasting time until the cinema but I'm also reading this as I write and thinking - these aren't coherent thoughts. This isn't HOW I want to write. This isn't what people deserve to read.

And it's for this reason that I haven't been writing. The thoughts in my head won't be ready for proper public airing/viewing for a while. I'm still on a precipice looking out, deciding which direction I need to take for this chapter. I'll come back to tell you about my journey later. Maybe tomorrow, maybe never.

Goodbye for today, my love. :)

Life is funny.

I think there's going to be a year in my life where nobody knows where I live. I'll send an e-mail every three months so that people know I'm alive but I'll be somewhere else. Away from where people can hurt me.

I know they don't do it intentionally, and if it were a different place, a different time, it wouldn't even be hurtful. But it is now.
And it drives me further away.

I guess I just have to laugh through the sad times, right?

There's a button on here that says 'recover post'. Funny. This could be called a recovery post.

I'm slightly inebriated and it's quite late... but I felt like writing. I'm not afraid to admit some things at this time of the morning and in this state:

yes, I can admit now that I was very depressed before and after Christmas without realising it. I now make myself stick to a schedule (where at all possible, considering my personality). And when I feel like spending £40 on flowers, I do it. Because I know that to get the flowers I have to go out and get them. I have to leave my flat and I'm happy to do it because it has a good outcome.

I can also see that a lot of things are coming together in a way. I'm seeing what I want, and what I don't want. True, some of those things I can't put in to here as they're not... completed. But when they are, I'm going to feel refreshed.

Lastly, I'd just like to thank the compadres that made doing what we love to do an artform tonight. Dinner in a restaurant with a power cut (candle light is good). Discovering an amazing bar where we didn't think it was (with the lowest ceilings known to man) and going to a shit bar that has a late license and just laughing, the teensiest bit drunk, when a man is trying to guess where you from by looking at your boobs.

Amen.

1. I hate Christmas.
2. I really hate Christmas.
3. I want to go back to London.
4. Christmas is almost over.
5. Thank God.